Players not to watch…

I’ve already had an alternative look at the teams – time now to have a look at some of the players who will supposedly light up the World Cup.  Or not.

According to a huge number of previews, players to watch at the forthcoming tournament include the likes of Lionel Messi, Wayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo and Wesley Sneijder.

What?  Really?  That Messi chap?  World Footballer of the Year?  You think he might have a decent tournament, yeah?  Blimey.

Rooney?  The fat, balding English lad?  Are you serious?  He only got 34 goals for Manchester United last season.  You think he might do alright though?

Cristiano Ronaldo?  Most expensive footballer ever?  That Cristiano Ronaldo?  You really think that he might play well?

Sneijder?  Wesley Sneijder?  The best player in the Champions League this season and a massive part in Inter Milan winning the trophy?  He’ll do ok, will he?

Some bold predictions, I’m sure you’ll agree.  Necks really on the line with some of those…

Anyway, sod convention.  Rather than focussing on the relatively easy task of identifying highly gifted footballers who may well play really well in the summer, mainly because they generally always play really well, let’s take a look at some players not to watch this summer;  players who, I predict, won’t be any good and who I wouldn’t waste any time focussing any attention on.

Cesc Fabregas

Possibly a controversial first choice, but hey, I’m not just going to name North Korea’s 3rd choice goalkeeper (actually a centre forward) or Greece’s fourth choice centre half.  I need to at least name some players likely to feature.

Fabregas is the heartbeat of Arsenal’s side, but then he’s in the middle of the park alongside Abou Diaby or Alex Song, so it’s not hard to look good.  Sure, he’s a neat and tidy player, but is he actually that good?  He passes fairly well and gets around the park ok chipping in with a goal here and there, but Kevin Nolan does that too.

Suddenly, from playing with Diaby and Song, he’ll be pitched into a midfield alongside Andres Iniesta and Xavi.  Those two take being a clever little Spanish midfielder to a different level.  Xavi, for me, is probably the best player in the world.  Iniesta’s not too far behind.  At Barcelona the two of them are imperious together.  Fabregas alongside them is going to look like Keith Andrews.  That will be the case this summer for Spain and maybe next season for Barca too.

In such a talented side, Fabregas is going to end up looking like the weak link.  I’m not saying that he’ll be dreadful, but I am saying don’t bother watching him as he won’t do a lot, will be average, and those around him will be much better.

Rene Gattuso

Everyone must be fed up of Gattuso now, surely?  There’s no novelty to him anymore.  He trundles around the pitch snarling, having a bad goatee beard and generally fouling people.

He’s meant to be the person who breaks up the play for Italy, and he does, by being incapable of picking a pass to one of his teammates.  His limited ability has no place at a supposed festival of football.

(As an aside, a good sweepstake to run would be how many times commentators say “you may remember that he played for Glasgow Rangers in the late 1990s” or “he’s actually married to a Scottish woman”.  They say it every time he plays…)

Alexander Frei

Switzerland, as I have established previously, are fairly rubbish.  They’re a bit like Paraguay – they’re never, ever, ever going to win anything, but they always seem to pop up at the major tournaments.  No one pays much attention to them, they get knocked out in the group stages and everyone forgets they were ever there in the first place.

Whenever Switzerland turn up at one of these tournaments, Alexander Frei is always touted as their “key man”.  Dig out a World Cup preview, either from this year or 2006, or one of the Euro ones from the past decade, and I bet it says in the Swiss section, “One To Watch – Alex Frei”.

Well don’t watch him, because he’s no good.  Switzerland actually have some decent young players (Inler, Barnetta, Vonlanthen, Derdiyok) but when Switzerland’s World Cup campaign starts and you’re settling down in front of ITV to watch them play, I guarantee you that Clive Tyldesley, after mentioning “that famous night in Barcelona” or “that famous night in Istanbul” (for no reason), will (un)reliably inform you to “keep an eye out for Frei, Switzerland’s centre forward”.

Honestly, don’t waste the energy.  He’s done nothing in a major tournament yet and, at his age, won’t do anything at one now.  He’s too old, too slow, not big enough and not strong enough.  He’s like the Swiss Paul Dickov.  Would Paul Dickov light up a World Cup?  No.  Nor will Frei.

Lukas Podolski

I was in Germany for the last World Cup and the locals absolutely loved Podolski.  In fairness, he had a decent tournament, but so did plenty of other German players.  Still, it was Podolski who really seemed to capture the imagination of the public and there was a sense that he’d go on to achieve the kind of status that someone like Wayne Rooney enjoys in England.

Unfortunately for Podolski, he seems to have gradually become dreadful.  He has scored seventeen league goals in Germany since the 2006 World Cup.  That’s over four seasons.  He’s played plenty of games too – there’s been no long term injuries.  That’s an average of 4.25 goals per season.  Jermaine Defoe, who won’t start for England, scored more than that in one half against Wigan this season.  Darren Bent, dropped from the England squad, scored as many goals in six months as Podolski’s managed in four seasons.  Liam Ridgewell scored more league goals than Podolski this season.

I could equally have picked Miroslav Klose in this category, given that he’s been equally dreadful of late (though he does have that knack of scoring in big tournaments, so I’m steering clear).  Indeed, Podolski, Klose and Mario Gomez (another striker in the Germany squad) were voted the top three flops in the Bundesliga last season.  Podolski did top that list though, which is why he heads the list of German strikers not to bother watching this summer.

Aaron Mokoena

Mokoena has the honour of captaining the host nation at the World Cup.  However, I hope FIFA intervene, remove the armband and give it to Steven Pienaar as at least he has a modicum of ability.

Mokoena has somehow carved out a career for himself as a third choice centre half for struggling Premier League clubs.  He’s really not very good.  Not only is he not particularly good, he’s quite vicious (both intentionally and unintentionally, at times) and is more likely to injure an opponent than actually win the ball.

As with Gattuso, those wanting to enjoy the festival of football should not watch Aaron Mokoena.  Not even when he leads South Africa out in the opening game.

Tim Cahill

Cahill is probably Australia’s main man, which given that the rest of their squad is made up of Middlesbrough players isn’t really saying much.

I quite like Cahill as a club player at Everton.  He suits their ethic.  He works hard, has a good engine and can fill in in a variety of roles.  This is the World Cup though.  It’s a bit of a step up from that.  Scoring headers from corners isn’t going to impress anyone here.  It’s all well and good doing that away at Bolton Wanderers on a Tuesday night to earn your team a 1-1 draw, but I’d like to see a little more at a tournament like this, please?

A bit like Fabregas, I’m not saying that Cahill will be dreadful, just that the whole thing will sort of pass him by and you won’t notice that he’s there.  Australia will finish bottom of their group and soon be on the boat back to Sydney, so don’t waste your time watching Cahill as his only talent is heading the ball and there’s Nicola Zigic or Peter Crouch to watch if you’re into that kind of thing.

Cuauhtemoc Blanco

Not only is his Christian name rubbish, but he’s nearly 40.  What is he even doing in South Africa?

He didn’t have a great deal of pace at the best of times, but now he’s just slow and dreadful and is STILL living off his ‘Blanco Bunny Hop’ from the World Cup in France in 1998.

Part of the reason you shouldn’t watch Blanco is because if you do, the commentators will continually refer to the ‘Bunny Hop’ and you’ll expect him to do it.  He’s unlikely to anyway, but even if he does, you’ll be left with such a sense of disappointment.

For a start, it’s so 1998.  That’s the year of the Spice Girls and Monica Lewinsky.  That’s the year that having curtains (the hairstyle) was cool.  It was the year Armageddon came out.  It’s so long ago.  None of those things are cool anymore, and nor’s Blanco’s Bunny Hop.

Also, when you see it, you’ll realise that it’s just a bloke getting the ball between his two ankles and jumping with it.  It’s really not tricky.  Anyone can do it.  Go on, go and try it now.  Go and find a football or a small dog or something.  It’s not even remotely difficult.

So, because he’s old, got a Christian name that looks like his parents just blindly banged some letters on a keyboard to come up with and because of the Bunny Hop, blank out Blanco.

John Terry

England’s Brave John Terry.  A few years ago I used to really enjoy watching him.  He was a proper central defender.  He’d get in the way of everything and anything, he’d block, tackle and head.  He’d do everything to keep the ball away from his goal.  He was a pure defender.

Now though, possibly partly due to him sleeping with a former teammate’s missus, he looks distracted.  Like Rio Ferdinand of late, he’s looked ponderous and error-prone.  He hasn’t looked fit either.  He’s never been the quickest anyway, but he even seems to have lost a couple of yards of pace.

Most importantly with Terry is that he seems to have a lost a little bit of his soul.  Now, I’m no psychologist, but I like speculating wildly.  It seems to be that everything that’s gone on lately has taken its toll on him mentally.  He always looked so confident and commanding on the pitch.  He now looks quiet and a little afraid.  He used to exude confidence to all those around him.  It now seems that the only reason people are looking to him is to check he’s still awake.  He used to be a leader of men.  Now he appears to need to be led himself.

Something seems to have died inside John Terry, and so he’s someone not to bother watching, unless you want to see errors, a man who’s lost part of his soul or Vanessa Peronncel’s scratch marks.

Dirk Kuyt

In a Dutch squad filled with flair players who look smart and have neat, normal haircuts, there’s also Dirk Kuyt.  One reason not to watch Kuyt is because of how ridiculous looking he is.

Still, I’m not really that shallow and it’s also down to his football that I’d warn people not to watch him.  He’s just so dull and industrious.  Quite how he got so many goals for Feyenoord is beyond me.  Liverpool bought him as an out and out striker based on his Feyenoord record and quickly learned that he had all the attributes of a mule.  No grace, no finesse, no pace, nothing.  Like a mule though, he works fairly hard, and so they shoved him out on the wing, asked him to run up and down a lot and just tried to keep the ball away from him.

Whether he’ll feature much for Holland, I don’t know.  Given the presence of the likes of Sneijder, van Persie, Robben (though he’s now injured, apparently), van der Vaart, Elia and Huntelaar in forward positions, Kuyt would get nowhere near the starting eleven for me, but if he does, do yourself a favour – don’t pay him any attention.  It’s for the best.

Javier Mascherano

Mr Anti-Football.  A sly, cheating, whining, horrible creature.  You get the impression that he’d kick his own grandmother if it would further his own cause.

Being such a vile little creature, he’ll probably fit into his manager’s plans perfectly.  Like Maradona, Mascherano is an odious thing who ideally will join the growing list of injured players pre-tournament.  That he gets to share a field with the likes of Messi and Aguero makes me feel ill.  To think that he’s in the squad and a player a thousand times better than him in Esteban Cambiasso, who plays the same position, has been left out defies logic.

If you like watching complete and utter cheating and “gamesmanship” of the top order, enjoy Mascherano this summer.

Roque Santa Cruz

The ultimate footballing mercenary.  He had it all so good at Bayern Munich, only to be bombed out to Blackburn Rovers.  Suddenly he realised that he needed to actually do something otherwise he’d end up playing for Blackburn forever.  He put in some effort for a year (about the only time he has in his career) and displayed his undoubted natural talent.  He knew that the transfer talk would soon start, Blackburn would have to sell and he could move back to a big club on big wages and sit on the bench again.

Sure enough, along came Manchester City with more money than sense and Santa Cruz is happy again – fifth choice striker on ridiculous wages and very little effort required.

Unfortunately for Paraguay, the fact that he hasn’t broken a sweat for 12 months means that their star player (who, like Alex Frei above, will be mentioned at the start of each of their matches as “the one to watch”) will be ineffective, mediocre and generally lacklustre.  Save yourself the hassle and don’t bother watching him.

So, there you go – eleven players who you shouldn’t watch.  If you do, that’s your choice, but remember I did warn you – especially when it comes to Kuyt.